


Kiss Me You Fool

by FrankenPup



Category: Borderlands (Video Games), Borderlands 3
Genre: M/M, Suggestive Themes, Wedding, borderlands humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:48:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22743508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankenPup/pseuds/FrankenPup
Summary: Sir Alistair Hammerlock and Wainwright Jakobs are getting married.
Relationships: Sir Hammerlock/Wainwright Jakobs
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	Kiss Me You Fool

**Author's Note:**

> No beta reader, we die like men. THIS IS TOTALLY INSPIRED BY THIS AWESOME BIT OF FAN ART! go check out the rest of their blog!  
>  https://najsigt.tumblr.com/post/188501023434/hammerlock-is-literally-my-favorite-borderlands

The Calypso twins reign of terror was finally put to rest thanks to the newest generation of vault hunters. Their bravery for putting those unrivaled monsters six feet deep saved dozens of planets throughout the galaxy and millions of living creatures that roamed their surfaces.

For once in a very long time Eden-6, Pandora, Promethea and many others were left to their own devices. Nothing more than the usual chaos caused by those who called the planet home. Without a doubt, another power hungry individual- ready to put thousands of lives on the line for the sake of their own motive would rise from the ashes of the fallen ones before them. But until then, Sir Hammerlock appreciated the quiet boredom, free to travel on another hunting expedition without the fear of being kidnapped. Being held prisoner wasn't nearly as fun when they used electric nipple clamps.

Gone was his battered hunting uniform that saw its own array of abuse throughout the years. In its place, a dark, surprisingly clean kept tux brandished with gold buttons and matching vest. 

Clean and freshly groomed wasn't exactly a new look for the big game hunter, but the clean pressed suit was an interesting change. Admiring his polished glasses and the ridiculous shine upon his shoes, Alistair deemed himself worthy for his big day, their big day.

It had been ages since the hunter actually had a decent reason to dress in something other than survival gear. To a man of sophistication such as himself, keeping up appearances was important. Then again exchanging hunting gear for basic cotton material left you vulnerable for more than just bullets. On a planet such as Eden-6, walking about in anything less would be suicide, a number of the feral locals and wildlife would love to wear your bones like jewlery.

“Goddamnit woman! Lemme fix my own tie!”

Alistair couldn't help the oddly content smile spreading across his cheeks at the sound of yet another Jakobs worthy outburst. As large as Jakobs estate was, you would expect to not hear the daily bickering of its inhabitants.

Speak of the devil, the bedroom door was suddenly thrown open and properly slammed shut with a little more force than needed. The expanse of the Jakobs estate rang with its hollow smack that managed to startle Alistair enough to jump at the sudden interruption.

“Woman is hounding me worse than a saurian in heat.” Wainwright snapped, mumbling under his breath. Taking it upon himself to secure the door shut to keep the so called monster of a servant out, who kindly didn't want the heir of the Jakobs fortune walking about like a disheveled mess on his wedding day. A good enough reason if you asked Alistair.

Hammerlock returned to righting his bowtie with a final nod, doing his best to hide his amused smirk "In that case, be thankful she doesn't bare the barbed phallic membrane of a saurian. Horribly unpleasant for everyone involved.”

Said man, love of his life; must have forgotten this was indeed their shared expansive bedroom because he looked a little startled at the sound of another voice that wasn't the angry southern cursing on the opposite side of the door.

“Damnit Alistair! I thought you’d be down in the garden chattin’ it up with those crimson raiders.'' Though he obviously startled his lover, Wainwright trekked closer anyway. Heavy boots clicking as he went. It would be rather ridiculous to say such a normal ruckus brought goose bumps across the black man's skin, so let's not go into it.

Smuggly puffing out his chest, Alistair pretended to fluff out his glorious mustache when Wainwright’s chest grazed his back. Peeking over his shoulder at the wonderful reflection they produced “Haven't made my way downstairs, I'm afraid. It seems my partner failed to tell me of a select few Jakobs traditions.”

He met Wainwright's reflection in the surprisingly clear mirror, and found himself a little taken aback at their reflection. While side by side, their attire solidified what was going to happen in mere hours. They would gather under the gazebo in the Jakobs garden and be wed with the audience of their closest friends and family. Caught in a tidal wave of rushing emotions seemingly out of nowhere, Alistair cleared the lump lodged in his throat.

“I hardly recognise you without a thin layer of gunpowder.” was he out of breath? No of course not. He hardly shifted since Winny's abrupt appearance. And what on earth was that smell? The usual aroma of decaying foliage and jabber crap didn't smell this nice, even on a hot muggy day. 

It was no secret Alistair was a tad socially awkward, occasionally venting about a rather inappropriate situation when silence became deafening. Now was no different.

"Did she also tell you it's bad luck to see the bride before the big day? I don't even have my garter on yet.”

A chuckle laced with genuine amusement made Alistair's heart jump, just a little. “Don't know ‘bout a bride, but my husband looks mighty fine anyway."

Warmth seeped into his belly like the sweet comfort of hot coco in the blistering cold of Egon 24. Radiating to his cheeks in a goofy smile. Acknowledgement to their relationship never failed to blossom butterflies deep in his belly (and not the flesh eating kind) that made him lighter than air.

Calling Wainwright his husband, it flowed from his tongue like sweet wine. He vaguely wondered if he would ever tire of its sweet, loving charm. Hammerlock absentmindedly fiddled with the cool leather straps of a holster resting at his chest.

Wainwright, a man of insane bravery and better morals than Alistair had the pleasure of coming across looked just as nicely put together as himself. Winny's normal attire was in a state such as his own, years of work and abuse left it in tathers with makeshift patches to save their integrity. A suit nearly identical to his own reminded everyone just how broad his soon to be husband was. The Jakobs were a long line of beastly large men who didn't gain their muscle from years of hard work. No, their broad stature ran deep in their family genes and to be quite honest, Alistair was quickly remembering what all his previous lovers had in common.

That being said, place a newly crafted Jakobs shotgun in a broad man's hand and if you still had clean pants afterwards, well, then you definitely didn't after the click of his trigger. Nothing was quite as intimidating as a large man with an even larger gun, or in Alistair's case; a secret turn on. But you don't live as long as Sir Hammerlock being stupid. 

Wainwright was downright dashing with a fitted collar, then again he looked dashing in just about everything. But Alistair all but gasped when he turned to give his lover the proper attention he deserved, because honestly who in their right mind went around looking like that?

“A bolo tie? Really, Winny we talked about this”

The near permanent scowl on Wainwright’s brow deepened, “My father got married in this very tie and I kindly thank you for respectin’ that.”

"Traditions separate us from those scat throwing apes. However, you failed to mention it was so garish.” Alistair feigned disgust while he admired the scandalous ornament. Golden bends of metal shaped into the Jakobs family crest, held together with leather cord. Wainwright wasn’t a flash bastard, he was rather humble about his wealth and often shared it when plausible. But if it was important for his soon to be husband, then it was damn important to Hammerlock.

“It's not like you to ‘flash your cash’ so to speak.” pushing his point further when Winny stayed a little tense. “But Montgomery always liked a flash of color didn't he.” speaking of Wainwright's father so fondly unwound the man's shoulders relax, much to Hammerlock’s relief.

Now that he was this close to his lover, practically able to feel the heat radiating from his form, the servant had been correct about Winny’s state of dishevile. Crooked tie, wrinkled collar. What a disaster.“I take it you practically ran from that young lady out there."

"Young? She's older than fossilized skag dung but she's a quick one."

Gently running his fingers over broad shoulders, careful not to pinch the fabric with his synthetic ones; Alistair smoothed out the labels of Winny's suit. Paying the man no mind until he righted the stubborn (and awfully tacky) bolo tie. Only clicking his heels once he deemed his partner appropriately in place, not even a stray graying hair out of place on Winny's unruly head.

Wainwright simply watched as if it was the most interesting Echonet show in the galaxy. Following his fingertips as they righted his already straight collar. A small show of innocent intimacy.

“You look mighty handsome Alistair.” calloused hands that had no right to be that gentle cupped his cheeks. Bringing with them that rush of warmth back to its rightful place.

Hammerlock melted into the soft touch like warm butter, fingers stuck in place and not quite ready to let go. Their bodies flush together to enjoy just another moment together. Alistair found himself a little lost watching golden eyes blink in confusion, pulling away just enough to stare with a raised, fuzzy brow “Now I ain't much for hints but, I know the hard press of a gun anywhere.”

A rather silly grin toyed on Hammerlock’s lips, shifting his hips just a little to tease “That, I believe is your wedding present, don't get too excited.”

Wainwright held him close despite the suggestive remark, dropping his arms low to hold him more comfortably.

“Wish my father was still around to see this. See you, us. Mama woulda loved to see me in this stupid tie.” Wainwright’s voice was thick all of a sudden, his southern drawl deepening now that they were chest to chest. Sorrow and sadness deepened his already defined wrinkles that simply tore Hammerlock's heart to shreds. Winny took the opportunity to hide his face in his graying hair, and Alistair held his lover tighter.

Wainwright's relationship with his father was rocky to say the least. Constantly at each other's throats over when it came to the family's legacy. Deep down, no matter how much he denied it Wainwright wanted his father to be proud of him and not some kind of expectation his father expected of him.

Smoothing out a stubborn wrinkle and the matching one on the taller man's brow, Alistair carefully thumbed the peek of skin his graying whiskers didn't hide. “You know as much as I do, he would be incredibly proud of you and everything you've accomplished to keep Jakobs running smoothly.” soothing circles in his fiance's tense back muscles as he was pulled close. His lover lost nearly everything he held dear, mother, father, his company status. Yet here they were, still standing tall with their heads held high above the ashes.

“Winny, you risked everything to get your company back, and sacrificed so much to save your home. Not to mention a certain someone.” He didn't mean to brag, but Wainwright did send mercenaries to bust him out of prison. An incredibly romantic display if you ask Alistair.

Quieting his voice, Alistair pressed soft kisses to the man's neck "That sounds like a Jakobs to me.”

His lips were incredibly soft, and Alistair realized it was Wainwright who smelled so lovely. His usual tobacco aroma intermingled with some kind of delicious cologne curled his toes. Fresh from a bath much like himself and yet to bask in the heat of the swamp.

Once the strike of passion passed, the larger man rested their foreheads together, refusing to pull away further “Where the hell would I be without you?”

“Probably in the belly of a monstrous beast, floundering for air as you part from this world and- Oh well that was more gruesome than it was meant to be. Ignore me, rambling again.” he waved off his finesse babble. "Buck up my dear, it's our big day."

~~~~

The Jakobs family garden was as nice a place as any to commit to one another. Wainwright wished to have a massive gathering of remaining family, friends to celebrate the momentous occasion but it became a chore with the grand scale. It didn't feel right after so many lost their lives to the Calypso twins. Eden-6 would take months to recover from the damages the COV caused to the planet's life along with the damages to the Jakobs estate.

Locals, loyal servants, friends and family gathered in the Jakobs estate to celebrate the union of Wainwright Jakobs and Sir Alistair Hammerlock. The vault hunters and crimson raiders were kind enough to join in the ceremony. The two men owed their lives to the rebel group afterall, without their bravery who knows if either men would still be standing here today.

Without the fear of Aurelia poisoning the punch or the dreaded horror of the Calypso twins tearing the Jakobs family in half, not to mention surviving a planet wide extinction thanks to Lilith's sacrifice; it felt as good as time as any to finally tie the knot before something inevitably brought trouble back to the harsh planet of Eden-6. 

A quiet, peaceful ceremony wasn't exactly the Jakobs family style and he should have expected something was off when Wainwright suggested they walk down the aisle together. Because as soon as the music started up and the doors pulled open Clayton and his fellow bandits fired celebratory shots into the sky. Yipping and hollering as they did so.

It was rather humorous to hear that the Jakobs had a few protocols for weddings in the gardens. Apparently brides have been snatched away by Jabbers in the past. No reports of men sacrificed to king Jabber but they were not taking any chances, especially after Hammerlock's kidnapping.

Hand and hand, Alistair missed a good portion of the preachers babblings. Never a very religious man concerning the details, that and it was rather distracting with Winny's careful thumbing his hands or the constant affectionate stares.

Trying not to stare too lovingly at a man who struggled to do the same. The long cold nights alone lead up to something Alistair could never imagine. Someone who time and time again proved they loved and cherished him. Sir Hammerlock, bold, refined, gentlemen, was getting married to the love of his life. 

Standing in front of the only man he could ever say he loved felt damn near scandalous. Hammerlock spent years in isolation with nothing but his own rambling and terrifying monsters to keep him from losing what was left of his genius sanity. Jumping from planet to planet in search of adventure and magnificent beasts that inhabited them despite the ever present loneliness it could bring with it. He was never a people person per say, books and wildlife were his closest allies. But there came a point where romance novels became hollow and left you wishing for something other than the cold crispy pages of a book. Someone to hold when nights became bone chilling or comforting words to soothe a flesh wound.

Hammerlock abandoned lovers on nearly each world he visited and nothing quite compared to the sweet, southern bastard before him today.

His lover risked everything to not only save him from the grasp of evil zealots after his sister sold him away like cattle, but also stood up to said sister and put his own life on the line to rescue the vault hunter from Troy’s grasp. A siren versus a human, brave? Not nearly as moronic. But he came out with only a few brusies and scrapes, grinning like a mad man he managed to outsmart an idiotic Calypso.

No man, let alone any living being in the universe risked so much just to keep him safe and proudly stood by his side when things became dicey.

“Alistair you make me the happiest, sappiest bastard this side of Knotty Peak.” Wainwright's voice brought him back to the reality before him.

He only had eyes for him, positively drowning in the amount of affection a single sentiment meant to Alistair's old heart. He couldn't be luckier to have a man genuinely love him so openly, uncaring for a goddamn word from the world around him.

Hammerlock was sure he would melt into a pile of warm goo when his dear Wainwright thumbed his knuckles, the flesh ones. “And you my dear Winny, make half a man feel whole again. I love you Wainwright.”

“Love you too Alistair.”

“If anyone has a reason these two should not be wed, please speak now or forever hold your peace.” a familiar itch to jump into the next chapter of his life twithed like an eager trigger finger. If anyone did object they would meet cold steel, whether that was Wainwrights shotgun, or Alistair's rifle.

A screech of wheels and robotic voice interrupted the incredibly peaceful moment, and to be quite honest the shorter groom thought he was hearing things. Humming cicadas and shrieking birds were a normal occurrence, not staticy nonsense. It wouldn't be the first time bog pheromones went to his head, but indeed the intrepid robot he could of sworn was blown to smithereens ages ago was barrelling down the garden path, kicking up mud as he went. Looking back, probably the worst decision fixing that blasted robots eyes all those years ago.

“HAMMERLOCK!!” Claptrap screeched, tripping on scattered rocks and grating across the stone path with an awful metallic squeal. And unfortunately dragging himself back up.

“Why wasn't I invited to the wedding Hammerlock?? I thought we were friends! Best friends!”

Tannis sputtered in disbelief, pointing an accusing finger at the intrepid robot “How did you get out of the ship?!”

“No prison can hold general Claptrap! You all shouldn’t have left your bunk rooms unlocked because I took the liberty of chucking all personal belongings into the vacuum of space for your betrayal!”

Chaos isn't quite the word for the commotion but it definitely was confusing for the groom to be who had the liberty (and pleasure) of never meeting Claptrap. The units were a dying existence anyway because of their idiotic programming. 

Furrowed brows and questioning frown was enough of a question, and Hammerlock waved him off.

"Excuse me Winny."

Alistair hummed whilst searching for the holster beneath his coat pocket, casual as can be. Purposely ignoring his husband's questioning gaze in favor of taking care of the problem before it became one. The gleam of silver metal and heaviness of a Jakobs pistol engraved with the meaningful question ‘will you marry me?’ gleamed brightly in the sunlight.

“Hammerlock! Tell them we’re besties! I deserve a rifle invitation more than that guy!” the robot's arm gestured to their stance at the podium and Alistair scoffed that Claptrap thought he was more important than his husband of all people.

“You are not ruining my wedding day, nor any other day for that matter.” he chimed cocking the pistol and firing not once for mercy, but twice to put the robot down long enough to finish their important day. No one even bothered to jump in immediately as he shouted something about betrayal and what not. Heartless? Of course not. Alistair aimed for the less important hardware afterall. Claptrap would be fine with a little elbow grease.

“Now then.” wiping his hands together from imaginary dust, blowing softly on the tip of his freshly used pistol to cool the steaming metal. Alistair holserted it back to its rightful place close to his heart.

“Kiss me before that waste of wires and scrap metal gets back up and obliterates whatever brain cells I have left.”

Alistair wasted no time, grasping for his lovers lapels and dragged him down for a proper lip lock. Not even Claptrap’s short circuiting fireworks could dampen his mood when Wainwright returned it full force. Winny managed to surprise him again, dipping him at the waist to treat him like a proper gentleman.

Cheers and excited shouts encouraged them further, Alistair only put an end to their soft display of affection when he simply couldn't keep himself from smiling. And by the look of it, Winny was struggling with the same problem.

“Rekon I’ll get the details later.” Alistair had no intention of letting Wainwright talk much more, and properly shut him up with another kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! There isn't nearly enough fics of these two.


End file.
